Maybe, just maybe
by Emmel1118
Summary: Start just after the episode Locked Away. A Jac and Joseph story, what I think should of happened. Will Jac ever get her happy ending?
1. Chapter 1 Always her

Chapter 1 Always Her

Jac Naylor rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and took a deep breath in. Today was going to another day where she would see him with her, a thought that nearly made her physically sick. She shouldn't care; the ice queen should not have feelings but somehow Joseph Byrne had wormed himself in to her heart. She knew she had blown it with him but she had thought that telling him how she felt would have changed things but like normal he had gone for the easy option, Faye, Faye who wouldn't hurt him, who wasn't ever going to hurt him, who was the complete opposite of her. She still clung to the words that he had uttered in the lockdown _'It's instinctive to protect people you care about'_ and '_Do I care for you? Do you really need to ask that?_' maybe he still cared about her. '_I feel love for you_' she had said, not quite I love you but close enough. She had finally found the words to say how she felt, she had given him her heart and he had rejected her in favour of Nurse Morton. That had hurt but it was to be expected. She had hurt him, so much, but not a day went by when Jac did not think about what she had done, about what could of happened if she had not been so career driven. How she regretted it.

Joseph always picked Faye. After they slept together it was Faye, though Jac didn't think he would have chosen her after she got him drunk and slept with him when he was at his lowest ebb. She hadn't meant the evening to end that way, it just did. She still felt there was a chance, a glimpse that he might have forgiven her after that night but she had just ended up more hated, the villain. She had let him believe what he had wanted, that she was pregnant because it was easier, because then she still had a hold over him, and she was always the villain. Then in the lockdown he had chosen Faye and that time it really hurt, but then again it was to be expected. All those she loved either hurt her or left her or both.

Jac loved Joseph, she had tried, unsuccessfully to move on from him, get on with her life but she always knew she wouldn't, she couldn't, she loved him too much for that. She always would love him and she had accepted the fact. If his love could survive all that had gone before, maybe, just maybe, there was a chance, however slim, that he would forgive her and let her back into his life. Maybe, just maybe.


	2. Chapter 2 Memories

Chapter 2 Memories

_A month later_

Jac was sitting on the sofa in her living room. She was clutching a framed picture in her hand, her knuckles slowly going white because she was holding it so tight. It was a picture of her and Joseph, they were happy; together. She couldn't let go because then the tears would come, she could feel them pricking at her eyelids. She shut her eyes and lay back, trying to calm down. She glanced at the clock, 11.30 pm. She should be getting to bed. She had a long day of work ahead of her, a long day of work with _him_. Suddenly anger overtook her and she smashed the picture down on the table, he was getting married in a week, she shouldn't feel this way out somebody else's man. She heard the satisfying crack as the glass smashed. She turned the picture over and sadness crept up on her and smothered her like a blanket. The glass was cracked and broken. Broken, just like her, just like her heart. No! She would not think like this, she did not have emotions, but how ever hard she tried she knew that fact wasn't true, she had emotions. Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Who would be knocking at her door at 11:30?

She glanced out the window, before getting up. The weather was miserable, rain lashing down, lightning flashing. She had arrived at the door, wondering who would be the other side of the wood. She swung the door open and stood open mouthed at the man on her door step. Joseph, dripping wet, his clothes sodden. She held out a hand and he took it, he was so cold, how long had he been out there? She led him to the sofa and sat him down. No one had spoken a word. "Am I making the right decision?" She didn't know what he was talking about, had he contracted pneumonia? She should have checked him over. "About what?" She answered. He looked at her and she could see the sorrow in his eyes. "Marrying Faye." Jac turned away, so that Joseph couldn't see her face, as the tears threatened to make an appearance. "If you wanted an honest, non-biased answer you should have gone to someone else." She hadn't meant for it to come out so harshly. "What if I didn't want another person opinion? What if I wanted yours?" He replied calmly. She turned and looked at him, took a deep breath and answered. "No. You're not making the right decision." She said what she was thinking. "But why, why now, why when it's only a week till you're wedding, why ask me?" She replied, her voice barely a whisper.

"Because I don't know if marrying Faye is the best thing to do. I don't…" He trailed off. "I don't think I love her." He spoke so quietly she could barely hear him. The voice inside her head was saying to her '_No, don't, please Joseph, don't make it harder than it already is.' _ They just sat there, in Jac's living room, staring at each other. "Please don't Joseph…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry." Jac said. "What for?" He said, his brow creased in confusion. She shook her head. "For everything, I guess. Everything." And then he smiled. "You don't have to say sorry, this is both our messes, not just yours." She hadn't realised that Joseph had moved closer to her, during the last exchange. She looked deep in to those blue eyes and wished that she had never hurt him, that he was still hers. They say you never realise what you've got until it's gone. Well she sure hadn't realised that she was in love with Joseph until she had lost him, forever. She kept staring into his eyes, willing him to say something. In the end he didn't say anything, but he did do something. He kissed her. 


	3. Chapter 3 Hurt and Anger

Chapter 3 Hurt and anger

She woke up in the morning with a weight off her shoulders. Joseph was hers again. Faye was never going to get in the way again. Then she opened her eyes. He was gone. His clothes, scattered without a thought the night before, were gone, as was he. Her whole world was shattered. She turned over and saw the piece of paper on the pillow. It read:

_Jac,_

_I'm sorry, last night should not have happened. I am getting married in a week. I cannot leave her, I love her. You through away any chance of an 'us' a long time ago. You mean nothing to me, apart from the fact you are the woman who broke my heart. _

_Joseph_

The weight returned to her shoulders. Last night had been a lie. Joseph didn't love her, he loved Faye, but why had he come to her last night? Why? It circled round in her mind. It had meant nothing; she would always just be the woman who broke his heart.

She walked onto to Darwin with trembling hands. How was she supposed to deal with this? Then she saw him. Standing next to Faye. Anger bubbled up inside her; before she knew what she was doing she had gone up to him and slapped him hard on the cheek. "I just had to do that." She said venom evident in her voice. As she quickly made her exit, she heard Faye speak. "Why the hell did she just do that, Joseph?" Then the staff room had slammed shut. The promised tears, from last night, finally came. She collapsed in a chair and put her head in her arms. How could he elicit this much emotion from her? Turn her into a crying, trembling wreck? Then the door swung open and she looked up, wiping the tears away. "What the hell was that for?" Joseph voice should have been angry but yet it wasn't. She had just hit him, why wasn't he angry? "You know exactly why. Don't worry, little Faye won't ever know about last night." The sarcasm dripped from her voice. He turned away from her. "I'm sorry." He said before he left. Her pager beeped and left the staff room as well.

Later she was back in the staff room, making herself a coffee, when Faye walked in. The sight of her made her blood boil. This woman, Joseph's woman. "Why?" Faye asked. Jac knew what she was asking about, but feigned ignorance, she didn't want to talk about it, especially with Faye. "Why, what?" Jac replied, rolling her eyes. Faye looked angry now. "Why did you decided to slap my fiancé? The word fiancé cut through her like a knife. Joseph was so close to marrying Faye. "No, I won't divulge that information." Jac replied, her voice steady. "Oh, why not? You know, Joseph doesn't even know why. Do you?" Jac tensed. She knew that Joseph wouldn't have told Faye about their night together but she had hoped that he might have been honest. "Yes, I had a perfectly sane reason; I just don't want to tell you." She spat out. Jac was shocked by her sudden anger. "Ok, of course, of course. Did he just remind you of what might have been, if you hadn't of been such a…" Faye stopped mid-sentence as Mark walked in. The anger was still in Faye's eyes though. "Ladies, I know you're conversation must have been interesting but you need to get back to work." Mark prompted. Jac swivelled on her heals and left.


	4. Chapter 4 Trying not to care

Chapter 4 Trying not to care

_A week later, Joseph and Faye's wedding day_

Jac stalked up and down Darwin's corridor looking for anything to take her mind off what was happening. _Joseph is going to be finally gone, after tonight_, she thought. She shoved the thought from her head. She did not have emotions. She was the Ice Queen. She turned the corridor and a clock on the wall appeared. 6:30 am, it read. The wedding would start at 3pm and the vows would be exchanged a little later. No! She didn't care. She didn't care. The more she repeated the phrase, the more she realised that she did, and no amount of lying would make the pain in her heart any easier to bear.

She went through the day on auto-pilot. Treat this patient, treat that patient. She kept catching Mark looking at her, with concern in his eyes, concern for her. Later, a couple of hours before the wedding was due to commence, she was standing in the middle of the corridor, thinking about Joseph's words, that night. The night she had felt wanted, the night before her heart got broken again. "Jac, Jac? Earth to Jac?" Mark was standing front of her; she had been too wrapped up in her thoughts to notice him. "What?" She said sharply. There was the concerned look in his eyes again. She didn't want pity. "I know today is a…" She cut in. "Today is like any other day, Mark." She said. "You don't mean that do you?" He said shock in his voice. Slowly Jac shook her head. Today wasn't any other day. Today was the day where she lost the man she loved forever. "I threw it all away, Mark. I threw it all away." She said, quietly, before she turned on her heals and walked off.

She sat down in the staff room and put her head in her arms. The tears wouldn't come. She had done crying, but she hadn't accepted it, that Joseph was marrying Faye. She wouldn't let him, at least not before Faye knew the truth, that Joseph had betrayed her.


	5. Chapter 5 The one that got away

Chapter 5 The one that got away

Jac wasn't going to let him go that easily. "Mark?" She called. "I'm going." She shouted above the hustle and bustle of Darwin. She walked out in to the car park and climbed on to her motorbike.

Her plan had changed. She couldn't hurt him like that. She could not just barge in to Joseph's wedding and tell the bride-to-be that she had slept with her fiancé, but she had to talk to Joseph, she had to. She had arrived, too quickly for her liking. She went over to the Byrne House, where the wedding was taking place and pushed the door open. It swung open easily and she walked inside. She panicked now, what was she going to do? She had to see Joseph and he would be in his room. _Think straight Jac_,_ think rationally,_ she thought. She had climbed the stairs in a daze, not meeting anyone else. She had arrived at his room. She knocked at the door. "Come in." His voice floated from behind the door.

She took a deep breath and entered. "Jac, what the hell…?" Joseph asked his voice full of confusion. "I had to see you, speak to you, before, you know." He shook his head. "What do you want?" Joseph asked; his voice hardening. "Please, I want to know what was going through your head when you came to my house, that night." Jac said, all in one long breath. Joseph looked shocked, he hadn't expected this. "I had a dream. I was marrying Faye, but the day was a nightmare. I was standing at the altar with Faye with all these things going wrong, when it all dissolved and you were standing there, you looked so beautiful, it looked so right. I thought that it was a sign that, maybe, after all…" He left it at that. Jac took a step backwards. "I can't do this anymore. It hurts Joseph and I can't take that hurt again. "Joseph looked at her. "What do you want me to do? I meant all I said in that letter." That hurt her, that he had meant it. "But what about what you said, in the lockdown?" Jac was confused; he couldn't hate her after saying those things, could he? "I love you." Jac managed to get the words out, she thought they'd get stuck in her throat. "No, Jac, don't make it more complicated, than it already is." The anger rose in her again. "Are you going to conveniently going to forget the night you came to my house and slept with me?" The vulnerable Jac had gone, the sarcastic Jac was back. Joseph's face fell. "You're not going to tell Faye are you?" Just as Jac was going to reply, Faye walked in. "Tell me what?" Faye asked. What, what was Faye doing in here?

Faye's facial expression changed dramatically when she saw Jac. "What the flipping hell is _she_ doing here?" She pronounced the word _she_ like Jac was some rabid animal. Jac looked at Joseph willing him to be brave and tell the truth, but he wouldn't, he wouldn't jeopardize his whole relationship with Faye for the sake of the truth. "Don't live a lie Joseph." Her words were quite so only Joseph could hear them. "I'm so sorry Faye…" He started but Faye interrupted him. "Sorry for what?" Confusion filled in her voice but there also an edge, like she'd already guessed what he was about to say. "I slept with Jac." Faye's whole demeanour changed, her head snapped up. "Again?" Faye asked slowly. Joseph nodded. She turned on her heals and left the room. "Happy now?" He asked. His voice was breaking, like he was about to cry. "Couldn't you leave me alone for what was meant to be the best day of my life? Things just go wrong around you." He said. That was a low blow. She stuttered, trying to force the words out her mouth, but before she could, Joseph walked out the room.

She collapsed on to the floor. He didn't care, he cared about Faye and that was all. Not her, she was just the woman who broke his heart.


	6. Chapter 6 Feeling

Chapter 6 Feeling

_The next day, at work_

Jac was sitting her desk, thinking. Joseph and Faye had been called in to Connie's office, obviously to ask if they could work together after the total collapse of their relationship. No one knew why they split up, Faye didn't want to admit the fact she had taken back a cheater who had cheated again, with the same person. Jac didn't know how to feel. On one hand Joseph and Faye weren't together anymore, but Joseph still hated her. She had meant all she had said. Had he?

She had hurt Joseph so much and she had lost him for so long, and that night she'd thought she'd found him again, but then the morning had come and all her dreams and fantasies had been shattered. She had hurt him and so, in return he had hurt her. At first him just being there made her hurt, but over time she had got some more control over her emotions and the mere sight of him didn't hurt her as much as it had. And the worse thing? She had brought this all on herself. When she was growing up you had to fight for what you wanted. She wanted recognition, she wanted to be respected and so she fought for it. Where did that get her? An empty house, an empty heart and she still wasn't consultant. When she thought back, to start with, she could see no wrong in her actions, but the longer she left it the more she saw how much it hurt Joseph, and then that look of hurt, betrayal and the fact he looked permanently lost, she had caused this. She hurt him bad and in the process hurt herself. She had tried so hard to keep that mask on, the face that said 'I don't care' when inside she was thinking, _I miss you, why do I miss you? I should not miss you. I love him, I think. No! I will not let myself love. They always leave, they always hurt me, the ones I love. He will hurt me if I let him in. I don't need worry about that, he will never come back. I love him though. Nothing can change that. _Sometimes the mask would slip and she would say what she truly felt, like in the lockdown, but usually the mask was always up.


	7. Chapter 7 We're Broken, you and I

Chapter 7 We're broken, you and I

_The next evening_

Jac was at home. The broken picture frame had been mended and placed in its original position, on the mantelpiece. She was sitting on the sofa, thinking about work and Mr Rodgers who needed a heart transplant and several other patients, when the knock at the door came. She went over to the door, on auto-pilot. Joseph was standing on her door step, again. She went to slam the door in his face but he stuck his arm out, wedging his shoulder in the gap. "Please Jac, we need to talk." They stood there for a couple more minutes. She relented and opened the door.

"What do you want, Joseph? You've made your views on this matter quite clear." Jac was sitting on the sofa and Joseph was sitting next to her. "I didn't mean it." He said quietly. Her head was in turmoil, what the hell did he mean, he didn't mean it? What he said in letter, or on the wedding day or both or something completely different. "What do you mean?" She asked, holding her breath for his answer. "What I wrote in the letter. I didn't mean it. I just got scared and ran. You will always mean more to me than just the woman who broke my heart. You will also be the woman who took my heart and never really gave it back. I've been in denial ever since I found out about you and my father. You shouldn't love the person who hurt you so much but you can't help who you fall for and I fell for you." Jac's focus was a rough edge to the carpet on the floor but her head snapped up when she heard the last sentence. "What? What?" She stammered. "But Faye, you said you loved Faye? What happened?" Jac was confused. "Faye was my reason to keep hating you, my safe; she would never hurt me like you did. But the whole time I couldn't forget about you. Several times I've woken up shouting your name. Faye said it was alright, nothing to worry about. After we slept together, I woke up that morning and it felt so right, to be lying next to you, but I couldn't let it happen because…I thought you'd hurt me again, even if it felt so right. Then I realised that you'd changed." Joseph said his speech while staring fixedly at the floor. "I would never hurt you again." Jac whispered. Joseph nodded. "I know you won't." "Please forgive me." They both spoke at the same time. They were, by now, staring at each other. "You don't need forgiving. I already have. I can't stay mad at you for long." Jac answered. "I forgive you, Jac. I forgive you." Joseph answered. "I love you." Joseph spoke the words and Jac thought she was in some type of dream. "I love you, too." She replied. Then they kissed.


	8. Chapter 8 A bump in the road

Chapter 8 A bump in the road

Jac woke up. A weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Joseph was hers. She opened her eyes, and was instantly shocked. A sense of dread filled her. He was gone. He had left her again, he had regretted everything he had said again and hurt her. She scanned the room. His shoes were still on the floor so he couldn't have gotten far. She climbed out of bed and put his shirt on, another thing still left on the floor. She walked in to the kitchen and there he was, sitting at the table in his boxers. The knot in her stomach dissipated. She went and sat next to him. "You didn't leave, then." Jac asked. "What does it look like?" He said. "I'm not going to leave you again." He said quietly.

Jac walked on to Darwin happy. She was happy for the first time in a long while. Joseph had forgiven her, spent the night with her and not left straight away in the morning. He loved her. That was all that mattered. She walked up to Elliot and asked. "What patients have I got?" Her attention was moved off of Elliot when Faye and Joseph came down the corridor, deep inn discussion. "Ok." She walked off to treat her patients.

She was in the staff room when Joseph walked in. He was as white as a sheet. "What is it?" Jac asked. "She's pregnant." Jac nearly spat out the coffee she was drinking. Joseph slumped down on the chair opposite Jac. "Faye?" He nodded. "What happens now?" Jac asked, fear creeping in to her voice. "I don't know. I don't know."

"Joseph, what are we going to do?" Jac asked calmly. They had managed to finish their shifts and return to Jac's house without talking about it. "What do you want me to do?" He countered. Jac shivered, she had never expected to be in this situation. "Whatever you and Faye decide to do. What does Faye want do? Is she going to take the baby away, not let you see it?" Jac answered. Joseph sipped his coffee. "We haven't talked about it, yet, but she seemed all right when she told me, not angry or anything. I'm not sure." As Joseph spoke there was a banging at the door. "I'll go get it." Joseph said, standing up. He walked over to the door and opened it. "Faye? What the hell are you doing here?" Faye entered the house. "I could ask you the very same question." Faye countered. "Your lovers house in the middle of the night, we wouldn't want to get the wrong impression, now would we?" She said, venom dripping from her voice. "Faye, please, what do you want?" Jac asked, impatiently. "I wanted to talk to Joseph and I guessed he would be here. Can you leave us alone?" Faye's voice had softened and for a fleeting moment Jac felt pity for the other woman. She would hate to be in Faye's position right now. Jac got up and left the ex's alone together.


	9. Chapter 9 All in the past

Chapter 9 All in the past

Jac heard the door shut from her bedroom. She made her way downstairs to find Joseph sitting alone at the table. "What happened?" Jac asked slowly, trying to read what had happened from Joseph's face. "She's going to let me have the baby." Jac eyes narrowed. "What's the catch?" "I have to let her see the baby whenever she wants, and if not she'll take me to court." Jac nodded slowly. "Are you all right with that?" Joseph nodded and Jac felt relived. She thought back to the time she had thought she might be pregnant.

FLASHBACK

"_How you feeling?" Joseph's voice came from behind her, shocking Jac. "Terrible, I've been sick twice." She breathed in and out, trying to control the bad feeling in her stomach. "Sick?" Jac could hear a questioning note in his voice. 'God, he suspects, oh god' Jac thought. 'Be sarcastic, act like it's not a big deal' was the thought that popped in to her head. "Yeah, you know, vomit." She looked at him, and she saw the worry in his eyes. For once she just wanted to tell him the truth, but the thing was she didn't quite know the whole truth herself yet. "Oh perhaps you should take it easy for the rest of the day. Why don't you go home, get some rest?" "I'll be fine, honestly." "Any idea what's caused it?" He asked and she, for a second, thought she could hear real concern in his voice.' He's just scared I'm pregnant' she thought. "Just a bit of food poisoning, that's all. Shell fish, I think." His face creased in confusion for a second before the look vanished. "Very good." He paused when he saw the look of confusion on her face. "I mean, I'll review the lists but I should be able to take on your work load." "Great, thank you, Joseph." "Not at all, it's my pleasure." He had almost left the room when he spoke. "Shell fish?" He said turning around to face her. "Yep, I think." She said confidently "Right then, I'll…" he didn't know what else to say so he went. _

_That evening_

_She held the test in her trembling fingers, willing it to be negative. She wondered what would happen if the little stick said positive? Would Joseph accept that it was his baby, his child, she was carrying or would he think that it was someone else's? Would he admit it, that he had slept with her, or would he deny any link with the child, his child? But that would only happen if the test said positive. If it said negative, then all her problems would be over. Time to see. She turned the test and let out a sigh. Negative. She knew there was a chance the test was wrong but it was more likely that she wasn't pregnant. She wasn't going to have to tell Joseph he was going to be a father. She knew she should have been relived, she didn't need a baby at the moment, but in truth she was a little upset. She had lost the last chance to get Joseph back. If she'd had his baby, they would have a link, forever, a link no one, not even Faye, could have broken. But she wasn't pregnant._


	10. Chapter 10 The train off the rails

Chapter 10 The Train's Off the Rails

_9 months later_

Jac was staring though the window, staring at the man she loved holding his child, Joseph's child, not Jac and Joseph's child, Faye and Joseph's child. She had never been a maternal woman, well not until now. She would give up everything to be in that room, for that to be her child he was holding. Joseph's head turned and he mouthed something, 'come in'. She went to the door and entered the room. Faye was asleep on the bed. Jac perched on the leg of the chair. "I'd like you to meet Harry." Jac looked down at the bundle in Joseph's arms and took a deep breath in. He had Joseph's eyes, his blue eyes. "Nice to meet you, Harry." She barely got the words out. Joseph looked up at her and smiled. "Do you want to hold him?" She was about to shake her head, when she decided that she would. She nodded. Joseph passed the child to her and she held him. She had held small children before but this felt different, this was the child of the man she loved. "Why? Why did you want me to hold him? It's hard Joseph. So hard." Joseph looked at her, weariness in his eyes, but also there was also spark, a spark of happiness. Joseph had moved in to Jac's house months ago and both of them were determined not to put a foot wrong. They were both happy; together. "I wanted to see you holding my child." He said, and she could almost hear the sadness in his voice. The tears were pricking at her eyelids now. "Don't, Joseph." She said but that was all she could get out before the tears came tumbling down her cheeks. "This should be our child, Joe, our child." She hadn't called him Joe in a long while. Joseph nodded, and she saw a solitary tear creep down his cheek.

_8 weeks later_

She was sitting in her office, completing some paperwork, when Joseph open the door and walked in. The first thing she noticed was that his eyes were full of sadness. "Come with me." He asked. Confusion and terror swept through her like a tidal wave. "And go where?" Joseph took a deep breath in. "I'm leaving. The hours are too long to be able to look after Harry. There is a GP practice, there's space for the both of us. Country life would do you well Jac Naylor. What do you say?" Jac didn't know what to say. "Can't…" He interrupted her. He seemed to know exactly what she was about to say. "No, she can't. That was the deal. One of us, not the both. She can see him, when I look after him or I can see him when she looks after him. I had to go for the first option. I love him too much." Jac nodded. "Will you come with me?" The tears are threatening to make an unwanted appearance. "I can't…" She didn't get any further before the tears came. "I can't." She repeated. He had come round in front of her now. "I understand Joseph. I just can't give everything up, ok?" He shakes he head. "Not ok." He whispered and for some reason they both laughed. Then the room went deathly silent again. "I love you." She managed to splutter out. He nodded. "I love you too." Then he kissed her and she kissed him back. '_The last kiss'_ she thought '_please make it last forever'_. The kiss was over too soon and he stood up. "Goodbye." They managed to say before he left the room, and left Jac.

She stood at the window, staring at him as he climbed into his car. The tears came freely now, Jac didn't wipe them away. He turned the key in the ignition and drove out of the car park. _'I have lost him forever; I never get my happy ending do I?'_


	11. Chapter 11 Why now?

Chapter 11 Why now?

_6 weeks later_

'_Why now, why not before, then I might have been able to keep him'_, the thought was twirling through her head. No! She couldn't have kept him that way, she wasn't like that anymore. She had let a man close enough to even have the remote possibility of being pregnant. She looked down at the test again and saw the blue line. Jac Naylor was pregnant.

She got up and flushed the loo. Jac pushed open the door and put her head in her hands. The promised tears did not come. She had cried herself out, all the night thinking about him, and what could have been. He had a son now; his duty was to Harry, not his pregnant ex. He probably didn't even care about her anymore. She pulled out his pager. She spun it in her fingers. It was a link to him, the only link after she had told him, in their first phone call that it would be easier to move on if all contact was severed. She looked at the label with his name on. After everything that had gone before, all the hurt, all she had left of him was a pager and his unborn child.

She walked back on to Darwin, her mask back in place. How could she of been so stupid, what would they say about her? 'She probably doesn't even know the father's name' and all sorts. But she did know his name. Joseph Byrne was going to be a father again and Jac Naylor was going to be a mother.

_4 weeks later_

Jac was getting bad morning sickness and her pregnancy was getting harder and harder to conceal, from her colleagues. She was on the ward talking a patient through a procedure. "Sign there Miss Macalister." She turned around to walk away when the new F1 came crashing down the corridor. Bang. Jac was on the floor, writhing in pain. There was a crippling pain in her stomach. She was losing the baby; she just knew she was losing the baby. "Jac, Jac? Are you alright?" Sasha was standing over her. "Jac? Right get a trolley. This is more serious than we think."

10 minutes later Jac was being monitored in a side room. "What's wrong Jac? You've got to tell us, sooner or later." Sasha said, in a mock angry tone. Jac shook her head again. "Please Jac." His tone had softened. "Christ, where do I start?" Sasha looked at her. "At the beginning?" Sasha said, helpfully. "Right, the start. I'm in love Sasha, that's where this all started. Joseph." Saying his name aloud took quite a lot of effort. "When he left, I was a mess, a complete utter mess. He's always had that effect on me." She laughed, but it was a hollow laugh. "I'm pregnant." She whispered. Sasha almost jumped out of his skin. Then, just as Sasha was going to speak, a nurse came in. "I've got Ms Naylor's bloods back." Sasha held out a hand and picked them up. "Nurse could you leave me and Ms Naylor alone for a bit please?" The nurse nodded and left. "You're right, you're pregnant. 10 weeks. Joseph's?" Sasha spoke slowly. "Of course it flipping Joseph's!" She shouted. Sasha nodded.

"There, Jac, is you're little baby." Sasha said, gliding the ultrasound over her tummy. "Beautiful." Sasha said. "I don't know what to do." Sasha smiled. "Maybe phoning this little one's dad might help?" Jac shook her head. "What if he doesn't want it, I mean he's already got Harry and I can't break up his new life." Sasha just nodded. "Will you stop doing that?" "What?" Jac rolled her eyes. "Just nodding, not speaking."

She took her phone out and dialled the number he had given her. "Hello, Patford House surgery, how can I help?" God, he hadn't told her it was the surgery number. She slammed the phone down. What was she going to do now?


	12. Chapter 12 Pain and Loss

Chapter 12 Pain and loss

_10 weeks later_

She had phoned his mobile a grand total of 7 times and all 7 times he had failed to pick up. The moment it went to voice mail she cut the call off. She did not want to hear his voice again. It hurt, even though she had told him to sever all contact.

Jac was sitting in the café. She was staring in to space. She had just been told she'd got the promotion, she was consultant but strangely, she was thinking about all she had lost because she had given it all up for this moment. There was a hole in her where Joseph should have been. She should have been happy, she had finally become consultant, but on what should have been the best day of her life, she realised that she all her attempts to move on from him were futile, she would never forget him and move on. She was pregnant with his child, how was she meant to move on when this child, her child was his as well?

There was a crippling pain in her stomach. It hurt more than last time she had had pain and no one had hit her. Her head hurt so much. She saw a nurse running towards her before it all went black. She woke up, her head was still throbbing. Sasha was sitting in the chair next to the bed. "Sash, what, what happened?" Her voice was shaky. She had to ask even though she did not want to know the answer. "Did I lose the baby?" When she spoke her voice was barely audible. Sasha nodded and the tears came then, she had thought she had cried enough for a life time but the tears came and they would not stop. She had lost her baby. She had lost Joseph's baby. Now all she had left of him was a pager, nothing else but memories, a pager and memories. That hurt.


	13. Chapter 13 Alone with the past

Chapter 13 Alone with the past

"Joseph don't leave me, please don't leave me!" Joseph was there, standing at the end of her bed. He turned to leave and she screamed his name again and again but he didn't turn around. "Jac, Jac, wake up." Sasha was hovering over her, speaking. She woke up fully and realised that it had all been a dream. "Jac, you were shouting. I thought I should wake…" "It's fine." Her sentence was short and to the point. "I'm fine." She added, seeing his puzzled look. "Did you love him?" Sasha's voice had gone deathly quiet. Jac nodded. "So much, but I did so much to hurt him. It was never going to be plain sailing. But yes I love him. I always will, no matter what happens." She had never been this honest with someone that wasn't Joseph. "Did you call him?" Jac nodded her head. She wasn't lying, he had asked her if she had called him, and she had, he just hadn't picked up. "And what did he say?" Sasha asked. "He didn't pick up." Jac replied.

"Damn, you beat me." Sasha said. They were playing cards, trying to keep Jac's mind of the hurt and pain that had occurred. "I am the winner!" Jac gloated. She wasn't happy, as such, but having someone being nice to her was better than being alone. A young nurse came in to the room. "Mr Levy, Ms Naylor's results have come back, she can be discharged now." Sasha nodded. "Do you want to go home?" Did she want to go home, where all the memories were? Back to a silent house, where she would do nothing but think. "I'll be fine, thanks."

She was sitting on the sofa, looking at the picture. It was a different one, it was Joseph and Harry. Joseph looked so proud, but there was that look of weariness in his eyes. He also looked happy. She had made him happy, but she had also made him hurt, a lot. They had hurt each other, by not being honest about their feelings. Now Jac was alone, Joseph had Harry and she hoped to god it was easier for him because he had Harry, and she had no one. She had lost his child, the last thing that meant she wasn't alone. It hurt a great deal and she thought it would be easier to get all her thinking done now, what she was going to do and other things, rather than stay the night at someone else's house. She had all the memories here, the comforting ones and the ones that nearly killed her when she thought about them. She sat there swallowed up by the memories.


	14. Chapter 14 Question Time

**I know that the idea for question time is a bit rubbish but I wanted to get Jac to say those things. Also I think Connie isn't actually at Holby at this point, I think she's left, but hey, I wanted to include her.**

Chapter 14 Question Time

_4 months later_

Jac was standing in the lift waiting for it to take her to Darwin. Greg, Sahira and Connie were in the lift with her. Then there was an almighty crash. Jac was flung to the floor. "Is everybody alright?" Connie's voice came from somewhere in the lift. "Yep." Came the reply. Jac slowly dragged herself in to a sitting position. Connie seemed to get out of it unscathed and so did Greg. Sahira had also been flung to the floor. "What happened?" Jac asked, groaning slightly, as a pain shot through for head. "The lift must have broken." Greg said. "They'll soon realise and help us, I hope."

A quarter of an hour later no one had come to help them. "I have an idea." Greg said and Jac almost groaned in boredom. "Go ahead, then, what's this idea?" Sahira asked. "We play a game." Connie, Sahira and Jac's eyebrows shot up. "And what's this game called?" Jac asked, suspiciously. "Question Time. It's a bit like truth or dare but without the dares. The first person chooses someone else and asks them a question. Easy as." They all nodded. It was better than standing in silence till someone came and rescued them. "I'll go first." Greg said. Jac tuned out, the questions were silly. 'Have you ever had a crush on a school teacher' and stuff like that. Then it was Jac's turn. The other three talked in hushed voices about what they were going to ask her. They seemed to hit upon a good question and Greg spoke. "Have you ever been in love?" The question took Jac by surprise. Images of Joseph filled her head, the day he left, the first time she saw him, and the day she lost his child. She breathed in and out, deeply before answering. "Yes." She left it at that. All the rest of the occupants of the room had not been expecting this. Even if she'd felt love they didn't think she'd admit it, Jac even thought that she'd say no. There was a silence before Greg spoke. "Connie's turn."

The images were still swirling around her head when it was her turn again. "What is your biggest regret?" They were trying to steer well clear of the love topic which had gotten such a shocking answer. Well they weren't to know. "Hurting Joseph. That's my biggest regret." Confusion spread over Sahira's face. The other two knew who Joseph was, and Connie knew what she was talking about, but Sahira didn't have a clue. "Who?" Sahira asked. "The man I love." Jac answered, saying the words as freely as she had ever said them but then the tears came, a single tear dropping down her face. Greg, Sahira and Connie had never seen Jac cry before.

20 minutes later they had been rescued, they were sitting in the staff room. Jac collected up her stuff and was walking out when she heard Sahira speak. "What the hell did that man do to her?" Jac smiled, l_ove me_, she thought as she walked out of the hospital.

She was at home. She picked her phone up and dialled the surgery number. "Hello Patford House Surgery, how can I help?" Jac took a big breath in. "Is Doctor Byrne there?" Jac asked, even though she didn't know what she'd say to him if he was. "Yes, what do you want?" The receptionist asked. "Can I speak to him please? It's rather urgent." Jac asked. "I'll just put you through." Jac was shaking by the time the connection had clicked in to place. "Joseph Byrne, here. How can I help you?" She almost slammed the phone down then, her heart ached so much. "I love you." Was all she said before she cut off the connection.


	15. Chapter 15 A flipping year

Chapter 15 A Flipping Year

_2 weeks later_

Jac was having a bad day. She had a splitting headache and felt tired. She just dealt with a particularly unresponsive patient. He would tell them anything before his wife arrived, but he hadn't told them his wife's name so they couldn't contact her. In the end she had off loaded the case to a F1. She kept thinking about the phone call, why couldn't she of said more than just I love you, but then again that was a feat in itself. She was checking her messages on her phone just in case Joseph had sent her a message. He hadn't. Then her phone buzzed, someone was calling her. Joseph. She slammed the phone down on the desk in front of her. "Nice to see you too, Jac." Joseph; that was Joseph's voice. For a second she thought she was in a dream. Then she turned around and there he was, in the flesh, standing just a few centimetres away from her. She wanted to hold him, to kiss him but instead she was just angry. She raised her hand and slapped him, harder than when she had slapped him after he left her that morning. "It's been a flipping year Joseph, a year!" She ran to the safety of the Staff room before anyone could see the tears.

She sat down on the chair and placed her head in her arms and tried to make sense of what had just happened. _Joseph is back, he's back_, she thought. Then the door opened and Joseph came in cautiously. The tears had stopped. "Please Jac, just here me out." He waited for Jac to scream at him, but she didn't, she just nodded. "When you phoned me to tell me that you loved me, I realised that I couldn't stay away from you for forever. So I sat down and had a long conversation with Hanssen. He's let me have shorter hours, but for a substantial pay cut, but I don't care, as long as I have you." Jac shook her head. "No Joseph, I can't just let you back in. I had just come to terms with the fact that I loved you. I can't let you back in that easily." That was one of the hardest things Jac had ever said but she had to, well at least she thought she had to. "Wait, you loved me. You don't love me anymore?" Then the tears came back with a vengeance. They were rolling down her cheeks now. She pushed past him and through the hospital. She had to get away from him.


	16. Chapter 16 Scars

Chapter 16 Scars

Jac was at home sitting on the sofa, wondering if what she'd done was the right thing to do. Should she of let him back in? In truth she was angry at him for leaving her, just at the moment she needed him most, when she was carrying his child, but she hadn't told him so it wasn't his fault. She wanted him to come and sweep her off her feet, but she knew that her reaction to his return had not been the best, but what had he expected, Jac to run into his arms and pledge her undying love to him, or for her to forgive him for leaving? She had done nothing of the sort, had her reaction and subsequent actions hurt, god she hoped not? She just didn't know what to do. He was back, back to stay.

A month later

Her heart ached with the pain that he was so close but not hers. This time he had come back for her, and she had rejected him. Why, why had she done that? It was her fault again that the man she craved the touch of was in the arms of another woman. He was with Faye. Again. It had taken Joseph a couple of weeks to make Faye forgive him but Jac could see where his heart really lay, he had always loved Faye, never her. They lived together, cared for their son together but in the deep, depths of Jac's frozen and broken heart she knew that he was only with Faye because he was trying to get over the fact the woman he truly loved had rejected him. He had hurt her but she still loved no matter what she did or said and she had hurt him but he loved no matter what he said or did. Why had she not let him in? Was it because she was scared he would hurt her or leave her again or he would do both like he had before? Or was it because of the baby? Her child, his child that she had lost. She still bared the scars from loving Joseph and his child and the hurt that had caused but they were the two people in the world she had ever loved, and she still loved Joseph. He didn't know, he was oblivious to the fact that she had been pregnant and miscarried his baby. It hurt so much, but it would have been so much easier with his comforting arms around her, in her moments of need. That was the reason that she had kept her distance, only said I love you in her head, because she didn't want to tell him about his child.

Jac wasn't trying to be spiteful and callous she was just broken and she was fed up fixing her heart. She wouldn't let him back in to hurt her again, even though she knew he wouldn't.


	17. Chapter 17 Time for the truth

Chapter 17 Time for the truth

_3 months later_

Jac was alone. So alone, and it was all her fault. Going in to work every day she saw Joseph and Faye, together. She didn't know why Faye had forgiven him, but she had. Faye had Joseph when Jac didn't. Jac couldn't forgive him so she had to bare the pain of seeing him and Faye together. She could of, should of, forgiven him. The past was all said and done, now, and she had lost him.

She still hadn't told him about the baby. She couldn't because then the memories and the feelings she had suppressed would come back. She was treating a patient, Jenny Whitelaw. "So Miss Whitelaw we have got your results back. It seems we can't operate because, well, you're pregnant." She saw the horror and the surprise cloud this woman's face. "Is there any one we can call? The baby's father?" She shook her head. "He's-we split up two weeks ago. He's in Afghanistan. That's why we split up. I didn't want him to go back, but he chose work over me." Jac felt pity for this woman and suddenly she saw herself lying in that bed, having just found out she was pregnant and the father was gone. "Do you still want to call him?" Jac asked. "No! He doesn't deserve to know." Jenny shouted. "How long were you together before you split? Was it serious?" Jac asked, and she didn't know why. "6 years and yes, it was serious, until I couldn't cope with him going out to war. I… loved him, I think." Jac nodded and she still saw herself in that bed. "He deserves to know, trust me, he does. Even if he's hurt you, if you love him you won't begrudge him his child." Jac said, drawing from experience. "And how the hell would you know? You've never had children." Jenny spat back. Jac took a deep breath in and then told a complete stranger what she couldn't bring herself to tell Joseph. "I was pregnant and it was very complicated. The father had just moved away with his 8 week old baby son, when I found out I was carrying his child. I couldn't tell him, it took me 5 years to tell him I loved him, for god sake, how was I meant to tell him I was pregnant, just after he left me?. I miscarried at 20 weeks, in the end. I never told him. He came back for me, but I couldn't let him back in. I still can't and I haven't told him about the baby." During her speech Jac's eyes had picked out Joseph. He was treating a patient. "I didn't know." The patient spluttered. "Is it him?" She said quietly. Jenny had followed Jac's gaze and spotted Joseph. Jac nodded. "Don't make my mistakes, it hurts. Do you want to phone him?" Jenny sighed and then nodded. "You should tell him." Jenny said. Jac turned and walked away.

"Joseph, we have to talk, it's urgent." Jac said as she walked by him. "10 minutes, staff room." Jac was sitting in the staff room waiting for Joseph to come, tapping her fingers on the desk in front of her. Joseph came in. "What is it, Jac?" Jac could hear the annoyance in his tone. She took a deep breath in. "When you left, I was in a bad place, ok?" Joseph hadn't been expecting this. "Jac is this you begging me to take you…." She interrupted him. "No, I just have to tell you the truth." She braced herself for his reaction. "I found out I was pregnant, 6 weeks after you left." Joseph looked as if he had just been slapped round the face. "What, what?" He asked confusion and anger the overriding tones in his voice. "You didn't tell me?" "I phoned your mobile 7 times and you didn't pick up once!" She shouted back. "I tried to tell you, but by then it was too late…" She trailed off, not wanting to say the next bit. "What do you mean, it was too late?" He said, there was a softer note in his voice now. "I miscarried, at 20 weeks." Jac looked down in to her lap, not wanting to see the look of horror that had crossed Joseph's face. "You went through it all alone?" Jac nodded. "Can we please, just be friends, Joseph?" Looking shell shocked Joseph nodded, then he left and Jac broke down in tears, there were friends, just friend, nothing more.


	18. Chapter 18 Talking

Chapter 18

_3 weeks later_

Jac was at home, sitting on the sofa, staring at the picture of her Joseph that adorned the mantelpiece, thinking_. I threw it all away, every last bit of love I felt for him is still here, but he isn't_, she thought. Joseph hadn't asked about the baby, but Jac had asked if Harry was alright. She had gotten a short, crisp, 'he's fine'. Joseph had tried his uttermost to ignore Jac, but it hadn't worked. The still had to work together, on some cases. In Jac's eyes, time had seemingly reverted back to before the wedding, he still had his secret- she had been pregnant- and tried to avoid as much confrontation as possible. It was as if he had forgotten everything she had told him. _He's forgotten I love him; I have finally lost him for good._

There was a loud banging at the door. She went over to the door and look out the window. The weather was reminiscent of the night that he had come to her house and asked her if he was making the right decision. She open the door and there he was, standing on her door step. "No, don't shut the door." Joseph's voice was commanding. He came in.

They were sitting on the sofa as if they hadn't spent years being consumed by their love for the other. "I don't know what to do, Joseph." "Neither do I." He replied. Still they just sat there. "But I do know one thing. I can't stay away from you, for much longer." Jac stared at him. He still cared, he still cared! "But what about Faye." She wanted to add 'and the baby' but she couldn't get the words out. "We've already had this discussion. She's my safe. The complete opposite of you. I don't love her, I love you." Her head was telling her this was exactly what happened the morning she woke up broken after the night she'd felt wanted. He kissed her. She broke away. "How do I know you'll still be here when I wake up?" Jac asked and it came out harsher than she had intended. "Because I love you." This time she kissed him.


	19. Chapter 19 Pieces of my heart

Chapter 19 Pieces of my heart

Jac woke up. She reached out an arm and it landed on a moving person. Joseph was in her bed. He hadn't gone. She rejoiced for a second and then she realised why she'd put herself through all the hurt in the first place. He would hurt her; he was going to hurt her. She rolled of the bed and looked back at Joseph, god it looked so right, him being in her bed. That sentence brought back a memory, something Joseph said to her when she took him back after the wedding. '_After we slept together, I woke up that morning and it felt so right, to be lying next to you, but I couldn't let it happen because…I thought you'd hurt me again, even if it felt so right_.' She knew exactly what he meant, but if he'd forgiven her, managed to get over the fear, she could. She was never going to let him go.

Jac sat down at the kitchen table, to think. Joseph was hers; he was never going to leave her. They had finally found the strength to admit their true feelings. Joseph ambled in to the kitchen. "Jac, can we please just forget about last night?" Jac nearly exploded with anger, but she got her emotions back in check before speaking, she should have expected this, he had hurt her. "Oh is it time to go home to your ready-made family now? You, Faye and Harry?" The spite and sarcasm dripped from her voice. "Do mean anything you say?" This last sentence was barely audible. "I'm so sorry…" She cut him off. "Get out of my house."

When he had left she had to pick up the pieces of her heart. He had shattered it again. She had dared to hope that it would be different, this time, but no, it was always Faye: even after everything he had said, last night, and in the past, he had chosen Faye. _Please, make it easier to bear, please_, she though, _because I don't think I can go on_.


	20. Chapter 20 Breaking Apart

Chapter 20 Breaking apart

_3 months later_

All this time and Jac still hurt; still ached from his words. She saw him, walking in with Faye, Faye who didn't know the truth, that her man had cheated on her again, but if it was what Joseph wanted she wouldn't ruin it by telling Faye what had happened. She just had to grit her teeth and bare it. Get on with working while inside she was breaking, bit by bit, but she was and nothing would stop her decline, except from him, and his love.

He had made excuses not to talk to her, not to be near her. He almost ran away from her every time she came near. She had been so naïve that he would be different from the rest of them, that he wouldn't hurt her, like all the people she had loved before. She had thought he was different, that he wouldn't hurt her, but in a way he had ended up hurting her more than she had hurt him. What she had done was a moment of madness, of complete and utter self-preservation that she would regret for the rest of her days, whereas what he had done was lie to her and then lead her on just to break her heart in the morning. The first time she had understood his mortified reaction, they'd both been dead drunk, and lonely. They had found comfort in each other in their drunken states and then he had regretted it in the morning, she could never regret a night with him. The second and third times had been even harder. He wasn't drunk those times. He had been stone cold sober, and still he had given himself to her. She probably would never know what had brought him to his house on those occasions. The first time he had told her that he didn't think he loved the woman he now lived and had a son with. The second time he had told her that he loved her, that he wouldn't leave because he loved her, but that hadn't stopped him in the morning, from breaking her heart.

She wondered where he was now, in Faye's arms? God it hurt so much, and it was getting harder to bear, each day the torture dragged on. She would forever be in love with a man who had, it seemed, forgotten the fact that she loved him.


	21. Chapter 21 Mistakes

**Again, I don't think Connie's in it at this point, but what the hey! **

Chapter 21 Mistakes

_3 weeks later_

Jac was in theatre, operating on a young man. Assisting her on the operation was Joseph, it wasn't working very well. She could barely look at him without contempt in her eyes. She looked up at him "Scalpel." The nurse handed her a scalpel. Joseph and Jac both looked up at each other and for a moment they just froze. Then blood started to pour everywhere. "We've got a bleed!" Joseph shouted.

"Care to explain why a patient, going in for a routine operation, nearly died on the table?" Connie asked furiously. Just as Jac was about to speak, Joseph did. "It was my fault. I got distracted for a couple of seconds." Connie shook her head. "I expect more from my top two CT surgeons. You may go." She said still shaking her head. Jac was angry she could fight her own battles, thanks. "My office now, Mr Byrne." Jac walked angrily in to her office. "What the hell was that for? I can fight my own battles thanks." Jac snapped. "I was trying to help." Joseph replied. "I'm sick off this, Jac." Joseph added, quietly. "Sick of what?" Jac said, trying to guess what he would say. "This situation. Me, you and Faye." Jac shook her head. "What do you want me to do? Disappear in a puff of smoke? Well I'm sorry, I can't, oh I thought you'd miss you're bit on the side if went. Well, that's all I good for isn't it?" She couldn't help adding the sentence at the end. "Is that what you think? That I go to you when I'm sick of Faye?" Jac nodded. "What else am I meant to think, when you turn up at my house in the middle of the night, and tell me you love me, what else than it is all just to get me into bed?" Jac shouted angrily. "I don't know, but it wasn't. I'm just scared, scared that you'll reject me." Joseph said, softly. "Well you didn't give me enough time to do either before you told me you're intentions." Jac retorted. "So you weren't going to reject me?" Jac shook her head. "Sometimes, I just forget that you've changed." Joseph replied. "What like, how you seemed to have forgotten what I said, at the wedding? I'm not letting in you back in to hurt me again." This time it was Joseph who shook his head. "How could I forget you telling me you loved me? Let me back in, Jac." Her heart was screaming at her to forgive him, but her head was telling her that he'd just hurt her again. "You mean nothing to me. Nothing." She said, barely able to tell the lie. "You don't mean that." Jac could hear the sadness in his voice. Jac nodded and pushed passed him out of the office. "I'll keep knocking till you let me in." Joseph shouted at her. "And I'll keep telling you there's no room in the inn." Jac quipped, sarcastically, trying to hold the tears at bay. She ran out in to the car park and climbed on to her motorbike, the tears finally coming.

She drove off, barely able to see, but she had to get away from him. She loved the free feeling she got while on her bike, it was great. It almost wiped out her memories for a bit. She rounded the corner. She overtook the vehicle in front, it was going to slow. Suddenly a big truck was driving towards her. She didn't break, there was no one to care of she died or not. Wouldn't it be easier, for Joseph, if she did? Then it all faded in to darkness.


	22. Chapter 22 Casualty

**Slight Crossover with Casualty in this chapter, whoo!**

Chapter 22 Casualty

"Joseph, can you just come in my office for a second?" Connie called, from the office door. Joseph made his way over to the office in a daze. He didn't think she'd cared, but some of the words she had uttered had shown him that she still did, but he had hurt her, and lost her. He sat down in a chair opposite Connie's desk. "I just you would like to know that a 32 year old **(Is this how old she is really? I just guessed) **female, has been brought into in the ED after a motorbike crash. She had only one piece of identification on her. A hospital ID. It's Jac. I have no other information, on her condition or anything else. I thought you might want to know." Joseph reeled back, from the information that had been given to him. _I have caused this_, he thought,_ I made her angry and she got on that bike and didn't care if she lived or died, this is my fault. _

He rushed down to the ED. A doctor he just about recognised was standing by an office door. "Nick, isn't it?" Joseph said, standing next to him. "Yes, Nick Jordan, Clinical Lead. What do you want?" Joseph had a little time to regain his breath. "Where's Jac Naylor?" He asked. "We have been lead to believe that Ms Naylor has no family at all. Are we wrong?" Joseph shook his head. "No, I work with her, though it is a little more complicated than that. I'm Joseph, by the way." "This way, Joseph." Nick led him to where Jac was lying, her red hair spread over the pillow like a fan. He sat down on the chair, next to the bed. "How bad are her injures?" Nick looked down at Joseph. "You're a doctor right?" Joseph nodded. "She is extremely lucky not to be dead. She overtook on a blind bend." _She's done it before, overtaken on a blind bend and crashed, and come out of it alive, god, she must be _lucky, Joseph thought. "She has broken a couple of ribs; we have operated to remove the dangerous shards. She dislocated her shoulder and has severe bruising to both legs, but especially to the right leg. She's lucky." Joseph nodded in agreement.

He was still sitting in the chair when she came to, it was early morning, and he had been sitting there for close to 6 hours. "What the hell are you doing here?" Jac asked, trying to keep her voice down. "I could ask you the same question. I am here because I have finally realised were my heart lies, Jac, with you. I'm never going to hurt you or leave you again. Let me in." She rolled over in the bed. She was ignoring him. He just sat there, waiting for her to speak. She fell asleep soon after. "We're taking her up to Keller." Nick said walking in to the cubicle. Joseph nodded. "Where are you going?" Nick asked as Joseph got up. "I'm going to talk to Faye."

Joseph walked on to Keller and instantly saw Faye. "Faye…" He was interrupted. "Where the hell were you last night? I texted you multiple times and even phoned. You didn't pick up." Joseph could hear the irritation in Faye's voice. "There was an emergency. Faye, look, can we talk?" Faye shook her head. "I thought that was what we were doing? What sort of emergency?" Faye asked, and there still was a hint of anger in her voice. "In private." Faye shook her head again. "I'm busy, Joseph, can you just tell me?" Joseph nodded and swallowed. "I don't think our relationship is working. Can we take a break?" Joseph asked and waited with baited breath for Faye's reply. "What the hell's gotten in to you?" Faye spat out angrily. "I realised that you can deny who you love with hurting yourself and the other person." "Who is she?" Faye asked, but her voice had gone quieter. Joseph shook his head. "Once a cheater, always a che- wait please don't tell me it's _her_?" Faye's voice had gone almost deathly silent. They had attracted quite a crowd by now, patients, doctors and nurses alike. Joseph didn't answer. "You just can't seem to keep your hands off her can you? Well that's my dignity gone. They guessed after the wedding, you know, that you'd slept with her. You should have heard the rumours going around. In one version of events I walked in on you in bed together. They don't know that was the second time you'd cheated on me with _her_. And now you've done it again. Have you forgotten what she did to you? What she did to your family?" Faye was extremely angry now. "Wait, you were with her last night weren't you?" Faye didn't care who heard now. "Yes- but not how you think…" Faye laughed at that. "Not how I think? What else were you going to be doing with each other all night long? Playing chess? Of course it's how I think. Just admit it Joseph, you slept with Jac last night." "I didn't sleep with Jac last night. How about I sat by a hospital bed all night, last night." Faye laughed again. "And how was that with Jac?" "She was in the hospital bed. I came that close to losing her." He gestured with his fingers. "And it made me realise that you don't chose to you love someone, you just chose if you are willing to let yourself love them or if you are going to try and deny it, like I did after..." He left it at that.

Meanwhile Jac had woken up on Keller. She was shocked when she saw that joseph was gone, for a second, then she realised that he had probably got bored of staring at her back. "Where's Joseph?" She asked the nurse who was hovering at the door. "I got told that I had to tell you that he's gone to talk to Faye." Anger boiled in her, always her, always Faye. She hadn't been expecting the tears, but they came and they would not stop. The nurse froze, horrified, in the doorway. She had been warned that Jac Naylor wasn't to be messed with, and she had heard the rumours about her and the Byrne's, she didn't expect her to burst out crying.

10 minutes later Joseph had come to Jac's room. Instead of talking she just turned her back, ignoring him again. "Please, let me talk." Joseph pleaded. "Get out." Joseph followed Jac's instruction and left the room, deciding to get a coffee. Jac was on the verge of tears again. Why had he come back after talking to _her_? A nurse came in to check up on her. Jac looked up when the nurse didn't come in further than the door. Faye. Faye was standing in the doorway. "Why are you just standing there, just get on with the obs." Jac said to Faye. "Stop standing there like a lemon. What goes through that little head of yours?" Jac sniped. "I'm trying to work out what he see's in you." Jac tensed. What did she mean, see's in her? Seeing Jac's reaction, Faye laughed. "He told me you know, about you to sleeping together again. About how much he loves you, and I'm trying to work out why. He said, we should have a break." Jac was shocked that Joseph had told her. "Obs all done." Faye said as she walked out the room. 

**Hope it's good; this is my longest chapter yet, by far! Don't know why you needed to know that but hey you just learnt something new today!**


	23. Chapter 23 I break the people I love

Chapter 23 I break the people I love

_2 months later_

Jac had completely recovered from her injuries and was in her office, completing some paperwork when Sahira walked in. "Here's the paperwork you wanted." Jac took the folder out of Sahira's out stretched hand. "That writing is appalling. Rewrite please." Jac said, after giving the paperwork a cursory glance. "You know I'm sick of it! Bad handwriting, sloppy work, you have to point out all these mistakes! I'm sick of it!" Sahira shouted. "You know I given up so much to be here, and I get landed with a boss like you! You haven't given up anything to be here, no sacrifices, nothing, and your consultant!" Sahira shouted. "I have given up more than you to be here, to be consultant." Jac's voice was low and angry. "And what's that supposed to mean? You gave up your mornings to be here?" "What if I said I gave up on chance for happiness, for love, for this job?" Jac was dangerously close to tears now. "And what if I didn't believe you?" Sahira scoffed. "You haven't given up anything." "I threw it all away; I… chose the…no! Why am I telling you this?" Jac had regained her composure by the end. "Because I might get a understanding of why you're so hurtful to other people. It doesn't help if you bottle it up you know." Jac laughed and shook her head. "It's hurts too much to remember my mistakes, any other mistakes, I would happily recount for you but these ones, no it hurts too much." She said her voice shaking. Sahira realised that she might have been pushing Jac to hard. "What the hell happened?" Sahira asked. "Wait does it concern Joseph? You said in the lift you're biggest regret was hurting him? You said you loved him." Sahira asked, silently cursing that she had brought it up. Jac nodded her head, and Sahira relaxed a little. "I took me too long too real- no it took me too long to accept that I loved him." She nodded. "I realised I loved him, when, in the middle of the night I reached out an arm, and saw that the man I was sharing a bed with, who I had just slept with, was not Joseph. Joseph phoned me then, and all I wanted to do was run back to him and pretend that that night had never happened, my desire ran wild, but not for the man in the bed next to me, but his son. But I wrecked that, didn't I? Joseph found out of course and I had to spend, I don't know, four years of him looking at me like I was some piece of dirt, but then something happened." Jac trailed off. Sahira was looking at her, trying to work her out. "Why did you sleep with his father?" Jac looked down, guiltily. "I thought he would make me consultant. I gave up love up on my journey to be consultant." Sahira nodded. "What happened next?" She said, quietly. "We got drunk, and slept together, and I thought I was pregnant and he got paranoid that I'd tell his girlfriend, so much so that he told her himself. It didn't hurt that time, we were drunk and I was lonely and we found comfort in each other. I ended up more hated after that. Joseph blamed me for the breakdown of his relationship. Then we got trapped in theatre together and I finally told him that I loved him. He told me that he loved me too, but that he loved Faye too, and I had hurt him too much to turn the clocks back. It hurt. I gave him a choice, me or her and he chose her. It hurt." Sahira looked at Jac, the tears just starting to tumble down her cheeks. Sahira had seen Jac cry only once before, in the lift, talking about the very man there were discussing now, wow he must have some effect on her. "Ouch, so you, the ice queen, finally told him how you felt, but he rejected you?" Jac nodded. "Then Faye took him back and they got engaged. A week before he was going to marry Faye, he came to my house in the middle of the night and asked me if he should marry Faye. I told him not to, but asked him why he was asking me now. He told me he didn't think he loved her. I said I was sorry, for everything. That we slept together again, is the long and the short of it. I turned up on his wedding day and I told him I loved him, no threat of imminent death and all, and he told me not to make it more complicated: so not I don't love you, at least. Then he got worried that I'd tell Faye about our night together. Then Faye walked in, and I told Joseph not to live a lie and he told Faye that he slept with me. Then the night after the wedding he came to my house in the middle of the night again, and well you can guess what happened. Then Faye found out she was pregnant. She made a deal with Joseph, he could look after the child if she could see it whenever she liked, he agreed. Harry Byrne was born and Joseph, Jos- he couldn't cope with the working hours so he moved away, to the countryside and he asked me to go with him. I would have been so happy there, but some many things stopped me from going. I wanted the consultant's job and I wasn't prepared to give up everything for him, I would have to look after Harry, I mean what if I turned out like my mother? What if I left him when he was 12? "Sahira looked shocked at the last sentence. "Your mother left you when you were 12?" Jac nodded, she didn't trust herself to talk about this particular subject. "I…I…I found out…" Jac tried to speak but the words wouldn't come out her mouth. "Come on Jac, you can tell me." Sahira coaxed. "I found out I was… pregnant, just after he left. That put me in a bad place." Jac pregnant? Sahira was shocked, she was learning so much about Jac today. "I expect it did. Did he come back for you and the baby?" Jac shook her head. "He didn't…" Jac cut her off. "No he didn't, I tried to call him, he didn't pick up. I phoned him after the lift incident, on the surgery line. I told him I loved him, that's all. I didn't have the courage to tell him anything else. He came back, said he couldn't bear to be apart from me. I rejected him, I thought it was for the best. I didn't tell him about the baby till, well, recently because it hurt, you see I miscarried at 5 months." Jac tilted her head back and laughed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just put myself through more pain, rejecting him. He got back with Faye and well, I heard that he admitted that we slept together again in front of a whole ward of patients, doctors and nurses. I can't let him back in because I think he'll hurt me again, or I'll hurt him, which would be even more painful. I know, deep down in my heart that he'll never hurt me again and I know that I'll never hurt him again but… I'm scarred, Sahira, I break people, I push the people I love until they brake, I manipulate, I would do anything for a promotion. I remember the day I became consultant. I sat in the café thinking of all I'd lost, one what was supposed to be one of the best days of my life I sat there thinking about everything I had given up. It wasn't worth it, all the hurt and pain wasn't worth it, it just a job in the end and happiness is more important than a job, I just wish I'd realised that earlier."

**Another update, as usual I hope it's good. I just want to say thank you to all the people who have read this all the way through, I know it's very long. It's my first effort so it's not very good but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I thought it was time to see what other people think of it!**


	24. Chapter 24 Time to buy a hat?

**Hi people. Just a quick note to say that the stuff in**_** bold italics **_**is message on the pager, ok. **

Chapter 24 Time to buy a hat?

_3 weeks later_

Jac was in the on-call room. She didn't tell anyone but she liked sleep here, it was easier than going home, home where she was alone. She had gotten changed out of her scrubs and was checking if the alarm on her watch was set to the right time when the door swung open. Joseph walked in. "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were in here. Are you going to be using the bed?" He asked curiously. "What's it to you?" She said harshly. Joseph walked further into the room, looking around as if seeing it for the first time. "I was going to use the bed. Sometimes it's easier going to sleep in here than at home, when all I want to do is reach out an arm and feel the woman I love next to me." Jac knew that he was talking about her but she didn't care. "So sorry little Faye dumped you or did you break it off with her? Well it's you own fault for sleeping with me. Don't worry she'll forgive you in no time, she always does." Jac's words came out bitterly. Joseph shook his head. "You know I come here because it reminds me of you. Those nights spent curled up next to you, were the best of my life. Why do you always make it so hard, Jac?"

"Don't you dare!" She shouted. "Got bored of Faye then? Wanted a change?" Jac snapped. "Jac, you and I both know that this isn't hurting anyone but us. So just let me in Jac, I know you want to." It took all of her will power not to take him up on his offer. "And what do you know of me? Just because I let you into bed with me a couple of times, don't assume you know everything about me!" She yelled, full well knowing that she'd not just let him into bed with her, she'd also let him in to her heart, and that he knew everything about her. "It wasn't just into your bed was it? Or have you forgotten you told me you loved me because I haven't." How could he read her mind like that? He hadn't forgotten what she had told him, she rejoiced, but then a wave of sadness flowed over her. She had broken this man in front of her, but in turn broken herself even more than she already was. Jac hadn't been expecting love; it had just come, like she had told Sahira, at 3:43 am on the morning she had made the worst decision of her life.

"How do you not fall apart, when I have broken you so much?" Jac had not meant the words to get anywhere near her mouth but here she was saying them aloud. She hadn't been expecting the tears but they were streaming down her face now. "Because time is a healer, and so is love. Time passed and I got you back. You fixed me, but now I am dangerously close to falling apart and so are you, aren't you?" Joseph voice was soft. Her façade was falling down in front of her eyes but she didn't care, Joseph was right she was close to breaking point now and it was all her fault. "Please?" Joseph was looking at her with hope in his eyes. "Joseph, I…god…I want to let you in so much." She managed to splutter out. "So do."

Beep, beep. Jac's pager was beeping, waking her up. She moved her legs but they were tangled up in the sheet, and she just realised, other legs. Jac opened her eyes wider and saw Joseph lying next to her. Joseph, Joseph was lying in bed with her; she found it hard to believe. She got up and checked the pager, when she realised that both their pagers were going off. She picked them both up and the messages where both the same. _**Where are you, you're shift started 10 mins ago? **_Without realising it they had slept through the alarm. She quickly got dressed, which took a long time as her clothes were scattered over the room. She pulled a piece of paper out of her bag and scribbled a quick note to Joseph before collecting up his clothes and putting them in a neat pile and placing his pager on top along with the note. She rushed out of the room and towards Darwin.

"Ms Naylor, what time do you call this?" Henrik Hansen's voice reverberated through the corridor. _Couldn't he just leave me alone_, Jac thought. "Ah, late time?" She called out, confidently. She couldn't se Hansen's face but she guessed it would be angry. "Do you know…" Hansen broke off when Joseph came down the corridor. "Speak of the devil here he is. You're both wearing the same clothes from yesterday, is it time to buy a hat?" Hansen said dryly, his eyebrows raised. Jac and Joseph both went bright red.

**Hope it good! **


	25. Chapter 25 Everything's not lost

**This is the penultimate chapter and I am happy to get this far in my first fic. Thanks must go to CharlieSpike18 for the continued support and reviews! Plus another Casualty crossover, yay! And thanks to Woody2792 for the review and advice gladly taken.**

Chapter 25 Everything's not lost

**6 months later**

"Hurry up Joseph or we'll be late!" Jac called back in to the house. She smiled as Joseph tumbled out of the doorway. "I'm here." He said climbing in to the car. He revved the engine and the car backed out of the driveway. _Letting him back in was the best decision of my entire life_, Jac thought. Joseph had moved in with her the week before, they had taken small steps in their relationship to start with and this was the biggest one yet. Harry was living with his mother at the moment, but Joseph was regularly visiting him. They were almost at the hospital when the car came speeding towards them.

"A male and a female injured in a car crash not far away, both were unconscious when we got to them, so we don't have names." Dixie called from the door. Nick rushed out of his office when he heard about the two casualties being brought in. "God no!" He shouted. It was Jac.

"Lenny, do you think you could look for identification on the man, please?" Nick asked. "Wait, is this the Jac we treated a couple of months ago after a bike crash?" Linda asked. "The doctor who works on Darwin?" Nick nodded. "I've got some ID; he's Joseph Byrne, Cardiothoracic Registrar. Works here, works with her." She said, gesturing at Jac. "Joseph can you hear me?" Nick asked as Joseph fluttered his eyelids. "What?" Joseph managed to croak. Nick continued checking him over for injuries. "You were involved in a car accident." Nick said. "What about the other driver?" he asked Dixie. "No sign." She answered, shaking her head. A buzzing noise was coming from Jac's bag. "Scarlett can you check what that ringing is?" Scarlett made her way over to the bag and opened it. "Er Nick it's a phone." Nick shook his head. "Ever seen one before Scarlett?" Nick said, sarcastically. "Yes." She said indignantly. "Should I answer it?" Nick nodded. Scarlett answered the phone call. "Jac where the hell are you, you are half an hour late!" A voice screamed down the phone. "I'm sorry who is this? I am Scarlett Conway, I work in the Holby City Hospital ED, Jac was brought in about half an hour ago with injuries from a car crash. A Joseph Byrne is also in critical condition." Scarlett answered. "This is Connie Beauchamp, Joint Director of Surgery at Holby City Hospital. I didn't know about the accident. Sorry. Hansen, will have to get cover, they've been in a car crash." Connie answered, solemnly. Scarlett went to put the phone back in the bag when she saw a white stick. "Nick, I think she might be pregnant." Scarlett voiced her concerns as she took the stick out of the bag. It said positive.

Joseph opened his eyes, hoping the crippling pain in his right leg would go away. He opened his eyes and saw a hospital. "W…What the hell happened?" Joseph stuttered out. That man, what was his name, the clinical lead of the ED was standing front of him. The events of the morning came flashing back. "Jac, where's Jac?" He said trying to get up. "Tell me where she is!" He shouted, fear getting the better of him. "She's in the next cubicle. She's still unconscious, though." Nick said. "Did you know she was pregnant?" Nick dropped the bombshell, hoping that the man in the bed already knew. "I suspected, oh god she hasn't lost the baby again?" Joseph said, horror crossing the man's features. "No, she was extremely lucky. The baby's fine." Joseph relaxed a little, and the reality hit him, Jac was having his child and they were together this time. "But is she alright?" Joseph asked. "Well first do you want to know about your own injuries?" Joseph nodded. "Right you have broken your right leg and dislocated your right ankle. You suffered severe bruising to the shoulders and back. A part from that you are fine. Jac has suffered a dislocated shoulder, a broken wrist and where she bruised herself in the motorbike accident she has broken her leg. You both have mild concussion and whiplash." Joseph nodded. "Can I go in and see her?" Nick nodded and turned away. Everything was going to be alright.


	26. Epilogue

**Hello people! This is the last chapter! Whoo! **

Epilogue

Jac stood at the door, staring in to the room. There was a small bed, situated in the corner, and a sleeping baby in the bed. "He has you're eyes." Jac said to the man holding her hand. They both laughed, quietly, so they did not wake the child. "I hope he doesn't have your temper. He doesn't seem to at the moment, but you never know, screaming tantrums could be a day away." Jac playfully hit him on the arm. Then she winced. "What's wrong, darling?" Joseph asked. She shook her head. "Just my leg, it's nothing." After breaking her leg, she had endured months of gruelling physio, but the leg still tormented her from time to time. "Come, let him sleep. I have a feeling he might just give us some peace, tonight." Joseph said, leading Jac to the living room and collapsing on the sofa. "How's Harry?" Jac asked, she was staring across the kitchen, at the picture of her and Joseph. "He's fine. Faye's coping alright. Are you okay with me taking him out at the weekend?" Joseph inquired. "Can't me and Sam come too? I don't want to be alone." Jac returned. Sam was there 18 month old son, the baby who had survived the car crash. "Plus, I hope you haven't forgotten what Saturday is?" Jac probed. "How the hell could I forget our one year wedding anniversary?" Joseph said his tone full of mock anger. "Good. So can we come?"

The air was crisp and cold. It was February day so the weather was to be expected. Jac was bouncing the 18 month old on her hip, while her husband helped his three year old son down the slide. Joseph was making aeroplane noises as Harry shot down the slide. "Look at Harry and Daddy Sam, what a silly pair." Jac said to her son. Joseph helped Harry dismount the slide and came over to Jac and Sam. "Dada!" Sam gurgled. Jac swelled with pride, her son had spoken. Even though he had been speaking some works here and there every time he did, Jac swelled with pride. "Daddy, I think Sam talked." Harry said excitedly. Harry had been the perfect older brother to Sam and, even though they only saw him on weekends, he loved him to pieces.

It was later and Harry had been returned to his mother's care and Sam was safely tucked up in bed. Jac was sitting on the sofa, drinking coffee. "Hello my lovely wife." Joseph said coming down the stairs from putting Sam to bed. "I have a little surprise for you." Joseph said. He came round in front of her holding a wrapped box and a present. "Can I go and get your present, now?" Jac asks. Joseph nodded and Jac got up and went to a draw and picked something out. "I got you some chocolates and a special surprise." She says turning around. She walked forward and sat on the sofa. "Here." Joseph handed her a wrapped package. She opened it. It was a pink box with the word 'Pia' on the top. Jac took the lid off the box and nearly spat out the coffee she was drinking. It was a delicate necklace, and engraved on it were the words 'To my darling Jac. I will love you forever, never forget.' She put the box down and then enveloped her husband in a hug. "Open your present now." Jac asked. Joseph carefully tore the paper and it revealed a blue box. Joseph pulled the lid off to expose a gold watch with the words 'To my husband, I love you'. "I love you too." Joseph said. "You've still got one more present." Jac tore the paper and it fell away and Jac saw a picture, perfectly framed of Sam, Joseph , Harry and her. They all looked happy.

They both had found happiness and they had both finally found each other. Jac Byrne was finally part of a family.

**Finally the end! I hoped you enjoyed this story. Many thanks must go to everyone who reviewed and a special mention must go to Charliespike18, my best mate, who helped with this a lot. **


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